Rediscovering my Sense of Self with AdventurUs Women: Elle's Testimonial

I am an outdoors-ish person. The outdoors brings me strength, gratitude, tears of happiness and frustration, and awe both for the world and myself. But to be honest, I had barely been outdoors for an entire year prior to the Escape in Bend in May 2021.

"I showed up to the LOGE Camp in Bend, greeted by the AdventurUs Women tent and so many smiling faces and decided to let myself feel the moments as they passed rather than fixate on what was"

The pandemic changed all of our lives and continues to do so. I was a junior in college when it started and now I live in the limbo of early postgraduate life. When we were all sent home from campus last March, I had no idea what I was about to lose. I continue to grieve my senior year on campus in southern California--the stars in Joshua Tree I never got to experience, splashing in my favorite swimming spot outside Sequoia National Park, simply being in a place where I shared the values of the people around me and was seen for my authentic self.

Isolation brought me anxiety, so much so that I shuttered myself away from the outdoors. Solitude is what I appreciate most about the outdoors. Being with myself and letting go of everything the world has made me feel about myself. When the pandemic struck and multitudes of folks found new opportunities to get into the outdoors, I felt less and less comfortable doing so. I’ve been adventuring less in the past year and a half than ever before and feel a creeping sense of shame, like I haven’t made the most of the pandemic--a sentiment that seemed to course through some of the outdoor media I follow.

Living in an outdoor hub made me feel the pressure to get outside but simultaneously even more afraid to. When the mask mandate was put in place in Portland, I saw people every day not following guidelines and acting recklessly. I didn’t want to get sick, but I most of all wanted to protect others, both my loved ones and complete strangers who I never knew but could severely impact if I were to get them sick. I so badly wanted to be seen and experience the joy of being with others and being with myself in the outdoors, but the longer the pandemic continued, the less able I felt to ever do it again.

"The AdventurUs Women Escape to Bend reminded me that although life will be forever transformed for most of us, we can still find community and joy"

When I arrived at the Bend Escape, I was one week from graduating college and had just finished my last class. I had sobbed intermittently during my four hour drive, suddenly overwhelmed by what felt like the end of the world. Then, I showed up to the LOGE Camp in Bend, greeted by the AdventurUs Women tent and so many smiling faces and decided to let myself feel the moments as they passed rather than fixate on what was. 

Negotiating New Boundaries with Myself after Isolation

My first class of the weekend was mountain biking. I had woken up with a harsh allergic reaction from a sunscreen that didn’t agree with me and downed two Benadryl to cope. Groggily, I tried to learn to mountain bike. Eventually, I had to leave the class early--I was in so much discomfort and pain that I wasn’t in the right physical or mental space to push myself any further. And instead of feeling shame that I had to stop, I was supported and encouraged to take care of myself. The power of the women’s affinity space that AdventurUs Women cultivated meant I could shamelessly practice self-care instead of pushing myself to my very limits until I broke and blaming myself because of it. 

"I was able to put the pieces of myself that had shattered in the year beforehand back together. Although they fit differently and were a little scuffed, although I would never be the same as I was, people could love me and support me for who I am now"

The next day, my biggest activity was rock climbing with She Moves Mountains. I had climbed in Smith Rock as a child but not very often since. I was nervous to be reliant on others and especially on my own body to remember one of my favorite childhood hobbies. Climbing is an inherently group activity. As I grew up and gained the realization of how the world treated me as a fat person, any group activity in the outdoors was cause for panic. And after a year of being inside, I didn’t know how strong I was or if I could even climb at all. 

On the wall, no one forced me to do anything I wasn’t ready for. In the most loving way, the women in my climbing group pushed me to explore those boundaries within myself and see how far they would go without breaking. There was no judgement about my body, no shame or discouragement when I felt as if I couldn’t make the final send to the top. 

But the activity that was most transformative happened every night when we all sat around the fire together, lounging on blankets as we chatted and laughed. I was able to put the pieces of myself that had shattered in the year beforehand back together. Although they fit differently and were a little scuffed, although I would never be the same as I was, people could love me and support me for who I am now. I could forge new relationships and start to feel whole again. I left the Escape with great new friends and a whole network of women who were all so different and so powerful. 

The AdventurUs Women Escape to Bend reminded me that although life will be forever transformed for most of us, we can still find community and joy. And especially, ourselves. I lost who I was in the pandemic. And I only started to recover that person from loss and change and anxiety at the Escape.